the adventures of blake & the tubby tumble

i am not walking down hill, my fat ass is rolling. physically - the only thing that is being brought to the table is carbs. i... am a carboholic. gone are the days of my sexy abs and loosely tight ass, and HELLO thunder thighs. i don't know when it all started, maybe after my last diet? the absolute best diet i've ever been on. worked out every day. ate perfect. in the best shape of my life. smaller than i had been in high school - but then, i stopped. why? why do i stop anything? i start on this, large momentum, and then BAM: start snowballing my ass down a hill until i'm as big as the stay puff marshmallow man. and as much as i love mariah carey - her weight fluctuation is not something i want embodied in myself.this is the heaviest i've ever been. i don't like it at all. so i'm cutting back portions. i try to go days without eating but obviously something else just takes over me and i start slipping down the floor towards the fridge or local zaxby's for something sinister. OH i've tried buying my way to it. but then i end up having old healthy food that has sat in my fridgerator for weeks because i get so sick of having to fix lunch EVERY stinking day.

who does that? not i.

but i probably need to. it's easy to gain weight. obviously. everyone that i've graduated with seems to have taken the tubby tumble. but i must not! i plan on taking ryan seacrest's job in the near future - that would require me to have his tiny body - i already have the height down.but anyways - if any of you see me inching my way towards a carbohydrate - tell me, NO! "stop the violence!" i don't care if you have to subdue me with force. DO IT! and, in the future, you will be glad that i am just another wonderfully skinny addition to your group.

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Who Needs Loan Sharks When You've Got Student Loans?

I keep my phone on silent these days. It's not that I don't love talking to student loan bill collectors. They're awesome. They ask things like, "So why are you late with your payment?" "Well, you see I make a limited amount of money each month, and most of it goes to rent, utilities, groceries, you know, all the things I need to survive. Right now I don't have the extra funds to pay the loan. I'll make the payment next week." Then they say, "Well, we have to keep calling you and sending you letter until you pay." I think that's great. It shows they care. I don't get many phone calls. I enjoy listening to that automated "Sorry you missed our call, Please call us at --- --- ---".

If you have a private student loan, you're screwed. Silly me, thinking I could earn the salary to pay it back with my college education. Now, I'm not trying to wriggle my way out of paying. Contrary to this blog, I'm pretty responsible with my money. But the rules changed. Once upon a time they had this nifty option called a 'payment plan'. Say it with me children, 'pay-ment plan'. You'll never hear about those again. No, our hard earned money is too valuable to be rationed out. These corporations need the full payment on time, every month. They need to survive. They just filed for bankruptcy. They need OUR income! Don't you understand? The government bailout wasn't enough.

So here I am, cozying up to the folks in the collection office. We're all on a first name basis. One big happy family, for now. And when my paycheck comes, a chunk of it goes right to you my lovely student loan corporation *. You own my soul. You are my second husband. (Polygamy is still illegal, isn't it?) Until payday, honey.

Now, I implore you, dear reader, who needs a loan shark when you have student loans? Then again, loan sharks have the good taste to kill you when you don't pay up. Student loans turn you into a serf for the banking feudal system.

*Company name withheld, not to protect the innocent, but to protect me from a law suit.

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sassy gay friend

Everyone needs one - but they are nigh to be found. Just when you're down and out you'll find one fashionably late to your situation, helping you to pick up the pieces of your broken life and sew them back together in the form of the latest trendy garment.

Check it out here!
http://www.youtube.com/show?p=kOyajvATiyE

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clint mcASS

"Seriously they want me to wear purple because five queers killed themselves. The only way im wearin it for them is if they all commit suicide. I cant believe the people of this world have gotten this stupid. We are honoring the fact that they sinned and killed thereselves because of their sin. REALLY PEOPLE."

What... a revelation. Land of the free, and home of the bigots. The eloquent writer of this informative piece of work, is a member of the Arizona school board. Yes, amidst all of the suicides and issues of inequality the LGBT community has faced in recent months, there are still people out there like this with the tact (or lack thereof) to make such statements. Shame.

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tis the season

I can't breathe. I have all of the faculties for breathing, but due to the excess of mucus (snot) in my nose, I am having trouble utilizing them (the faculties for breathing). Nonetheless. I am happy to get this out of the way; cold season is upon us, and I did not want this to happen Thanksgiving or Christmas.How cold is cold season? Apparently not too cold. But cold enough for me to be sick. Terrible things about having a cold include (but are not limited to) sleeplessness, bad breath, constant feeling of shit dripping down the back of your throat, a terrible, awful taste in your mouth, sore throat (sometimes), headaches (all the time), and an excuse to stay in a bad mood (on every day that ends with the letter "y"). Things that help me through this are: music (when I can hear), Vicks Sinex nasal spray (amazing), the Neti Pot (phenomenal, yet strangely so), Zicam (doesn't taste THAT bad when you can't taste anything). So good luck and wish me luck on the road to recovery.

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Pull Em' Up

The American Idol phenomena is dated. Rumor has it that Simon Cowel is debating whether or not he will return next season to judge. Paula Abdul, Idol's ex-resident pill-popper has already left, while Randy Jackson has always lacked any entertainment quality aside from his occassional "dogs" and "maynes".

However, there is a light that shines in the form of Idol's initial auditions. Contestants such as Larry Plat have rekindled a stifled flame and sparked new interest in this season of Idol, even if it is in spite of Idol's actual purpose to find real talent. Do you even watch Idol after the auditions?

I do not.

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Mariah oh Fiah

Well maybe not on "fire" but lit. A few weeks back Mariah showed her "merry" side while recieving an award for her performance on the Lee Daniel's directed movie, Precious (based on the novel Push by Saphire). So obviously inebriation isn't just for us normal folk, in fact: alcohol is for everyone.

After all, the wise Benjamin Franklin once said "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Regardless of the implications society places on us, I'm pretty damned sure the "us" even refers to the wonderful Mariah Carey.

Congratulations beyotch.

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30 Rock, "Yummers"

Above is the character Jenna Maroney up to her dastardly diva-inspired deeds.

If you haven't watched the show, you have at least heard of 30 Rock through it's various accolades and achievements. NBC's latest attempt to [cease ratings suckage and] reclaim the crown of sitcomdom, 30 Rock is a stone groove. Interesting character development, and amazing actresses and actors make this television show fun to watch. So watch it.

Airs on NBC at 9:30 on Thursdays!
Catch it tomorrow! Do it! For reals!

PS. Chances are, if you don't get it's humor, you're not intelligent enough, and there is something very wrong with you and your "sense of humor".

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Ladies Man.

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RDJ - Golden Globes

Cori made me watch this, and it made me decide that when I grow up, I want to be like Robert Downey Jr. The man. Wins the award, has everyone cracking up at how freaking awesome he is, and then gets media attention for his humor - non-scripted mind you. What could get better than that?

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